If producers of action/adventure movies try to keep their franchises small numerically, and attempt to start fresh every couple of years, such silly restrictions have never been placed on horror movies. Slamming a ‘Part VII’ onto a new sequel of Friday the 13th wasn’t going to stop people from seeing it, and loving it, too, even though the lack of quality was quite apparent. The evil haven’t even needed your ugly cinemas. They’ve been perfectly content to go haunting straight to DVDs/BluRay discs. The audience exists. The boring evenings may happen unexpectedly, but Freddie, Jason and friends are always prepared to entertain by stabbing whoever is near with their knives, axes, teeth, claws, and other pointy equipment. Or so we had thought!
There’s a different side to our murderous psychopathic monstrosities. And you won’t like it at all! It’s soft and cute, and nice to cuddle. Yes, the marketing people did it again. The unfathomable!! The plush toys are a dark reality in which we live. Who’s exactly to blame? Oh, I’ll tell, I’ll explain it good.
Firstly, there were the geeks. Yes, the geeks are obviously responsible for many crimes, and these aberrations are no exception. To be more precise, the Think Geek site seem to be leading the pack of creators of strange contraptions making evil incarnates into adorable (but dead inside) plush toys. In there, we can also witness the most oppressed monsters – the Aliens, the great Cthulhu and the Zombies. These two groups and one eternal being have their images tarnished to the largest extent and by many a shop.
The scariest examples in here are My First Cthulhu and Dismember-Me Plush Zombie. The former is a complete stripping of all pride out of poor eons-old entity, where he’s given puppy eyes and flabby wings, while the latter… I guess the name says it all – it’s got a squishy brain which you can touch and plushy bowels which you can stretch to your heart’s content. How vile is that? As a matter of fact, I don’t know whether to reject it as profane, or accept and love it, because it’s so corrupt.
Secondly, some anti-Cthulhu cultists are clearly involved, because the Old One got it really bad in Toy Vault – easily the worst. The stuff that is still available include Cthulhu-themed slippers, puppets, cell phone holders, hats, pillows and wall trophies. But this is nothing really, in comparison to the things that they are luckily sold-out on. These out of print items reduce the dark god to a green fluffy cos-player. They had plush Elvis, Dracula, special agent, super hero and Santa versions. No, we’re not talking here about Bugs Bunny, this is the Great Cthulhu who’s supposed to consume the whole Earth when the time comes. I guess, we need to stubbornly supply him with additional reasons to hate us and want to eat us. As if there weren’t enough already!
Of course, this wouldn’t be a party without the Germans – website S.P.A.C.E. offers plush versions of Facehuggers and Chestbusters. They have expensive prices, but are very thorough as the scale of toys is 1:1. Full-scaled Facehugger for your face’s pleasure! You can’t say no to that adorable monster inspired by your naughty sexual parts! Why am I shouting!? H. R. Giger, obviously, had these plushy cuddly toys in mind from the start.
And then, a mad idea struck me. What about Necronomicon? Can you plush up the secret demon book of evil? Now, that would be silly. “No, they wouldn’t dare!” I thought to myself. “Yeah, they actually already did that,” answered uncle Google. And this certainly is no joke – I remember seeing it on Amazon storefront costing $100. Under the plush cover, lie cheerful descriptions of ye Olde Gods written in large font and accompanied by cute pictures. They’re putting love back into Lovecraft!
And love, actually, seems to be the main reason for these toys. They provide an easy way to infect your children or your better half with the horror virus. Like Lovecraft, when he lived and corresponded with fellow writers to aid them in their struggles, and to let the Cthulhu mythos grow and spread, these toys serve the same purpose. Yeah, I just explained the crossover of horror into sellable loot to appease your strange cuddly consumer desires, as something positive and worth looking up to.
Besides, these things are so ridiculous that they are cool. I find it really interesting too. Maybe it is true that with horror you absolutely must start young to appreciate the genre? On the other hand, the toys from S.P.A.C.E. are advertised as collector’s items, not meant for kids. Bild would certainly eat them alive if they didn’t have such warnings. But warnings against what? At first sight, these are just ugly toys (and I mean ugly as in lacking a gigantic rainbow or two). After a second look, though, they are rather unique and some even decidedly cute. Is that even a right word in the context?
Well, anyway, one thing is certain, if Cthulhu lived, he wouldn’t let any of this stuff happen. He would be like Jesus, going into their stores and turning tables over, and calling everyone names. But these were the good old days, now we sit before our computers and throw digital dollars at the monitors, yelling, ‘Take my money! I wanna plush Cthulhu-impersonating-Elvis toy! God only knows why!’ Maybe it’s for the better.